# Share A Clean Joke for the Day



## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

Couple from a circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers are doubtful about their accommodation. 
So they produce photos of their 15 metre long trailer, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery. 
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided. 
"We'll employ an Oxford don who'll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and ICT skills". 
There are then doubts expressed about the childs healthy upbringing. 
"Our full time nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet", they reply. 
So the social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were looking for. 
"It doesn't really matter", they say, "so long as he fits in the cannon".


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## gdenby (Apr 27, 2013)

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
At my desk, I have a work station.


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

Ha! Good one Gdenby!


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

The Chicken Gun
The true story of the Chicken Gun. Too funny not to share! 
Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo -- "Defrost the chicken." (True Story)


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## cobalt (Nov 14, 2013)

Nice one lol


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## MJC4 (Mar 6, 2014)

Man walks into a diner and says excuse me, waiter, will the pancakes be long? The waiter replies no sir, they will be round!


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

Of Course MJC4! LOL


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## gdenby (Apr 27, 2013)

OK, one I learned on pirate's day.

What's the pirates favorite alphabet letter.

You might think its "arrrr," but the pirate's first love is the "C"


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

That took me a Moment Gdenby!


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

Born 1903--Died 1942. 
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was. 
============================= 
In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery: 
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go. 
============================= 
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia: 
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. 
Only the good die young. 
============================= 
In a London , England cemetery: 
Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767 
============================= 
In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery: 
Anna Wallace 
The children of Israel wanted bread, 
And the Lord sent them manna. 
Clark Wallace wanted a wife, 
And the Devil sent him Anna. 
=============================== 
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery: 
Here lies Johnny Yeast. 
Pardon him for not rising. 
=============================== 
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery: 
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake, 
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake. 
============================== 
In a Silver City , Nevada , cemetery: 
Here lays The Kid, 
We planted him raw. 
He was quick on the trigger, 
But slow on the draw. 
================================ 
A lawyer's epitaph in England : 
Sir John Strange. 
Here lies an honest lawyer, 
and that is Strange. 
================================= 
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England , cemetery: 
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any, 
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny. 
================================== 
In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England : 
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune. 
================================== 
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls , Vermont : 
Here lies the body of our Anna, 
Done to death by a banana. 
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low, 
But the skin of the thing that made her go. 
================================== 
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket , Massachusetts : 
Under the sod and under the trees, 
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. 
He is not here, there's only the pod, 
Pease shelled out and went to God. 
================================== 
In a cemetery in England : 
Remember man, as you walk by, 
As you are now, so once was I. 
As I am now, so shall you be, 
Remember this and follow me. 
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: 
To follow you I'll not consent, 
Until I know which way you went.


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## cobalt (Nov 14, 2013)

wow .where did you get them all from?

did some one say you a bit of a comic lol


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

A soldier stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, the Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you dummies fall out."
As the rest of the squad wandered away, The one soldier remained at attention.
The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with the one remaining soldier, and then just raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

An Obituary printed in the London Times.

February 7, 2014

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain; 
- Why the early bird gets the worm; 
- Life isn't always fair; 
- And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and 
criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, launched a lawsuit and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, 
-by his parents, Truth and Trust, 
-by his wife, Discretion, 
-by his daughter, Responsibility, 
-and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers; 
- I Know My Rights 
- I Want It Now 
- Someone Else Is To Blame 
- I'm A Victim 
- Pay me for Doing Nothing

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.


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## CV3 (Jan 30, 2014)

A teacher at a collage science class is holding two worms over two containers. One containers has water the other alcohol. He drops one of the worms in the water and the worm just swims around the container. He removes that worm and drops the other worm in the container of alcohol. The worm shrivels up and fall to the bottom of the container. The teacher ask the class, what does tells you about drinking alcohol?

A student in the back of the class shouts out " If you drink alcohol you will never have worms!!!"


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

CV3 said:


> A teacher at a collage science class is holding two worms over two containers. One containers has water the other alcohol. He drops one of the worms in the water and the worm just swims around the container. He removes that worm and drops the other worm in the container of alcohol. The worm shrivels up and fall to the bottom of the container. The teacher ask the class, what does tells you about drinking alcohol?
> 
> A student in the back of the class shouts out " If you drink alcohol you will never have worms!!!"


Ha! LOL!


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

When it was clear that Frank was dying, Ben visited him every day.

One day Ben said, "Frank, we both loved playing golf all our lives, and we started playing soon after high school.

Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's golf there.

Frank looked up at Ben from his deathbed and said, "Ben, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.

Shortly after that, Frank died.

A few weeks later, Ben was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Ben, Ben ."

"Who is it," asked Ben, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Ben -- it's me, Frank"

"You're not Frank . Frank just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Frank," insisted the voice.

"Frank, Where are you?"

"In heaven," replied Frank. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Ben.

"The good news," Frank said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there is golf in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always summertime and it never rains. And best of all, we can play golf all we want, and we never get tired. " And we get to play with all the Greats of the past.

"That's fantastic," said Ben "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're in my foursome this Saturday"


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes? This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.

However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted! 'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'


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## CV3 (Jan 30, 2014)

A father was in his recliner reading a book when his 6 year son came in. The boy walked over to the recliner and leaning on the arm of the chair he ask; Dad where did I come from? At first his Dad was shocked by the question then replied he guessed it was time. For the next 30 minutes Dad tried to explain the fax's of life to his son. When he was done he could see the boy was confused. He ask the boy what he was thinking. Wide eyed, the boy said "Wow Dad, My friend Billy is only from Dallas Texas."


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

Nice one CV3 -- I had to share that one with the better half.


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## MJC4 (Mar 6, 2014)

10 reasons you might be a *******.

You might be a ******* if:

1) You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting the wife drunk.

2) You ever cut your grass and found your car.

3) You own a mobile home and 5 cars that aren't

4)The wife says " honey come move this transmission so I can take a bath."

5) You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.

6) You can't marry your sweetheart cause there's a law against it.

7) You go to a family reunion to pick up chicks.

8) Your truck has a two tone paint job -- primer red and primer gray.

9) Your hair rollers are soup cans.

10) And finally, You KNOW your a ******* if your dad walks you to school -- cause your in the same grade!!

Thanks to Jeff Foxworthy for these pearls of wisdom.


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

Ha! Be careful there MJC4! You're treading thin ice.


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

An aquaitence shared the following:

A while ago a new supermarket opened in Ajax, Ontario.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions..

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the
air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.


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## gdenby (Apr 27, 2013)

An exchange between Albert Einstein and Charlie Chaplin:

Einstein says to Chaplin, "What I admire most in you art is the universality. You don't say a word, but the whole world understands you."

Chaplin replies, "True, but your glory is even bigger: the whole world admires you when nobody understands you."


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

Ah --- It's all "Relative" is it not?


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## CV3 (Jan 30, 2014)

Will Roger:

The only person that can really understand a woman is another woman and as a rule they don't like each other.


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

Isn't it true!


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car.

Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said;

Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.

The man replied, I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!

The woman continued, And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.

Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, Aren't you having any?

She replies, Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police.

Adam ate the apple, too!
Men will never learn


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## CV3 (Jan 30, 2014)

It was 2am when Fred stumbled out of the bar and climb into his truck. As he pulled out of the drive on to the street the lights on a police car began to flash behind him. Fred pulled over, bouncing along the curb, and came to rest below a streetlight.

Fred was shaking his head knowing he was in trouble. he looked in the rearview mirror and saw it was a State Trooper getting out of the car. Fred slammed his truck in gear and sped off. The Trooper jumped back in his car and with lights and sirens all going strong he took of after Fred.

Fred was weaving in and out of traffic. He raced though parking lots. He went down one way streets the wrong way and dove across yards. The chase went on for 20 miles before the Trooper could get in front of Fred and force him to stop.

The Trooper dragged Fred from the cab of his truck and though him up against hood. As he was doing this he was screaming " what and the hell is wrong with you? Why did you run like that"?

Fred said: Well Officer its like this, Two days ago my wife of 10 years ran off with a State Trooper and I was afraid it was you trying to bring her back!!!!


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

LOL CV3!


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## cobalt (Nov 14, 2013)

There is a serouis topic regarding stick making here on one of the threads its

" how do you remove the bark"

simply shoot the dog


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

Ahhh -- Interesting Cobalt. Surprised to hear it come from you.


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## gdenby (Apr 27, 2013)

And another epitaph, from Boot Hill, Tombstone AZ:

"Here lies Lester Moore. Four slugs from a 44. No Les. No More."


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

I've been there an seen that one!


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## gdenby (Apr 27, 2013)

A variant on an old theme:

A rabbi, priest, and a minster all teach at the same university. Once a week they meet at lunch. All have had great success at making conversions, and agree they need a challenge. They decide to try and convert wild animals.

There are many bears in a woods near the university. The priest goes out first. He finds a bear, sprinkles some water on it, and begins saying Hail Marys. The bear begins to wrestle w. the priest, but in the end the bear is won over.

When the priest returns, the minister goes out. He finds a bear, and claps his hands on the the bear's head, saying "Demons, begone!" He too must wrestle the bear, but also wins the bear over.

So next the rabbi goes out. After many hours, he does not return. The next day, his friends, the priest and minister, search for him, and find him in the hospital. The rabbi is wrapped in bandages. When asked how this happened, he replies, "I suppose I shouldn't have started with a circumcision."


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

LOL Gdenby!


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## gdenby (Apr 27, 2013)

I've heard a couple variants on this. Here's my recollection.

Farmer's, being the salt of the earth, rarely, if ever, get sent to hell. But an Illinois farmer died, and there was a mix up. Satan found himself perplexed at how to torment the fellow, so he started in the usual fashion.

Satan put the farmer to work in field where the temperature was 80 and the humidity was 70%. He saw the farmer happily working away, even humming to himself. Satan asks the farmer why he seems so happy. The farmer replies "This reminds me so much of when I was a lad, and just learning to weed my crops."

So Satan ups the temperature to 90m and the humidity to 80%. The farmer begins to work even harder, and has a look of great contentment on his face. Again Satan asks him why he is happy and and the farmer replies "This reminds me of bringing in a record number of hay bales."

Again Satan raises the temperature. Hell is 100, and 90% humidity. Not only does the farmer not stop working, but he starts chuckling to himself. When asked why he is behaving this way, he replies "This reminds me of when I'd be cleaning out my silo w. my neighbors help, and we always told each other jokes."

So now Satan is really upset. Being devious, he thinks to himself "If the farmer doesn't mind the heat, let's see how he handles cold." Satan drops the temperature to 30, and a blast of cold air sweeps across the field. To his chagrin, Satan sees the farmer begin to hop up and down, laughing, and clapping his hands. As Satan goes across the frozen landscape to the farmer he hear the farmer shouting "The Cubbies just won the World Series, The Cubbies won!"


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

Very good!


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

One day an Irishman goes into pharmacy -
reaches into his pocket and
takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and
a teaspoon. 
He pours some whiskey onto the teaspoon and
offers it to the chemist. 
""Could you taste this for me, please.?" 
The chemist takes the teaspoon,
puts it in his mouth,
swills the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy.

"The doctor told me
to come here and
get my urine tested for sugar.


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## MJC4 (Mar 6, 2014)

Rad, that is bad, funny! LOL! LOL!

I can see one of my Irish uncles pulling that one!


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

You know your having a really bad day when:









Sent from my iPad


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his wife:

Husband:- I lost my wife. She went shopping & hasn't come back.
Officer:- What is her height ?
Husband:- Not sure.
Officer:- Her build ?
Husband:- Not slim.
Officer:- Colour of eyes ?
Husband:- Never noticed.
Officer:- Colour of hair ?
Husband:- It changes according to season.
Officer:- What was she wearing?
Husband : Not sure if it was a dress or a suit.
Officer:- Was she driving?
Husband:- Yes.
Officer:- Tell me the number, make & colour of the car..... 
Husband:- Black Audi A8, rego S856-RTY with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. It has tinted electric windows and central locking. It has full LED headlights which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a thin scratch on the front left door 
....then the husband started crying.

Officer:- Don't worry sir. We will find your car.


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## gdenby (Apr 27, 2013)

George Carlin:

"I went to the bookstore and asked the sales clerk "Where can I find the self-help section?" She relied, "If I told you, that would sort defeat the purpose, wouldn't it?"


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

Going to have to keep an eye on you Gdenby! I think your the type to try and slip one by!


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

Never Argue With Children!









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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'


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## Thistle (Nov 30, 2013)

Really funny stuff!

I'm kinda stumped, so I'm knot able to think of any good ones just yet, but have really enjoyed reading through what yew guys have here.

Now I know why a dogwood be man's BEST friend. LOL!


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

Thistle said:


> Really funny stuff!
> 
> I'm kinda stumped, so I'm knot able to think of any good ones just yet, but have really enjoyed reading through what yew guys have here.
> 
> Now I know why a dogwood be man's BEST friend. LOL!


LOL ! Very sly you old dog!


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

Why Senior Citizen's Still Need Newspapers -- an elderly friend conveyed the following:

I was visiting my daughter last night and when I asked her if I could borrow a newspaper.
"For Goodness sake Dad, this is the 21st century," she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad."
I can tell you this. That bloody fly never knew what hit him.


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## cobalt (Nov 14, 2013)

where on earth do you get them from

but the i pads funny


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

GETTING INTO HEAVEN&#8230;.
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her.
"Hello - How are you! 
We've been waiting for you!
Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled 'Love', and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?" 
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

" Czechoslovakia"


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically ), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

How to Spot Country Folk at the Beach:









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## MJC4 (Mar 6, 2014)

I think that may qualify for "you might be a ******* if you wear cowboy boot sandals"


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

MJC4 said:


> I think that may qualify for "you might be a ******* if you wear cowboy boot sandals"


Your right on!


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked.

"Who never talks back to mother?

"Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?".
The wife said, " Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."


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## cobalt (Nov 14, 2013)

Where on earth do you get them from, pretty funny


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

Red neck engineering


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## MJC4 (Mar 6, 2014)

I take offense to the red neck engineering joke. I won't go anyplace in our camper without those two items plus a third one, the trusty hammer. If it's stuck hammer first, then WD-40 and after it's broken, duct tape!!


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

MJC4 said:


> I take offense to the red neck engineering joke. I won't go anyplace in our camper without those two items plus a third one, the trusty hammer. If it's stuck hammer first, then WD-40 and after it's broken, duct tape!!


Ah - yes ---- you mean the West Virginia screwdriver (hammer). I hear you! Duct tape is the handymans secret weapon!


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## CV3 (Jan 30, 2014)

Everyone have a great day. Hot. 91 and humidity is back.


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## CV3 (Jan 30, 2014)

Sorry wrong thread. I tried to edit but the site would not let me.


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)




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## CV3 (Jan 30, 2014)

A bartender opened the bar and was cleaning glasses when the front door opened and a man in a suite stumbles in. As the man get to the bar he orders a drink. The bartender tells the man he can not serve him, that he had already had to much to drink. The then angry drunk tells the bartender off and stumbles back out the front door. A few moments later the drunk stumbles though the side door and orders a drink. The bartender tells the man, I told you I well not serve you. You have had to much to drink! Now leave the bar. The drunk flips off the bartender and stumbles back out the side door. In just a few minutes the bartend hears a noise behind him. This time the drunk comes in the back door. Now fed up the bartender yells GET OUT! I will not serve you. The drunk looks at the bartender and ask;

Is there a bar in this town you don't work in?????


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

LOL! . You redeemed yourself from yesterday's post!


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

One day a couple visited a marriage counselor.

The wife says to the marriage counselor "the only reason we stay married is because neither of us want custody of the children"


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)




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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

Comfortable

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big.
She'll read it very slowly... 'com-for-da-bul.'


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## MJC4 (Mar 6, 2014)

LOL ! RAD, Where do you get this stuff? Glad your back


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## CV3 (Jan 30, 2014)

A child asked his mother, "How were people born?" His Mom said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his dad and asked him the same question and he told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his Mom and told her what his dad had said. His Mom replied, "Oh, your dad was talking about his side of the family."


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## MJC4 (Mar 6, 2014)

Good one CV3!


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

LOL CV3!


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

Three sisters age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"

The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells,
"I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."


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## CV3 (Jan 30, 2014)

LOL Rad,

Ben was sitting on the couch. Head between his hands. His roommate Bill ask, whats wrong Ben? Ben look up and in a sad voice said he was going to loose his girl friend. Bill ask why? Ben exsplaines that she told him that he would have to buy her somrthing that went from 0 to175 in less that 9 seconds if he wanted to keep her. Bill said if you love her buy it. Ben sat up and exclaimed "there was no way he could buy her a car like that"!!! Bill said car? Who said car? Get her a scale !!!!


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

CV3 said:


> LOL Rad,
> 
> Ben was sitting on the couch. Head between his hands. His roommate Bill ask, whats wrong Ben? Ben look up and in a sad voice said he was going to loose his girl friend. Bill ask why? Ben exsplaines that she told him that he would have to buy her somrthing that went from 0 to175 in less that 9 seconds if he wanted to keep her. Bill said if you love her buy it. Ben sat up and exclaimed "there was no way he could buy her a car like that"!!! Bill said car? Who said car? Get her a scale !!!!


LOL -- I'm not blond, but it took me awhile to get it!


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

This is on the edge of clean, but since it's a true story it's probably OK!
(Names changed to protect the innocent)

The church pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.

Now, asking questions during children's sermons is common, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be somewhat risky.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, little Johnny raised his hand. The pastor called on him and he said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued...
_________________

I hate those commercials!


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to his bedside, Ol' Fred's condition started to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then suddenly died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "Move to your left -- you're standing on my oxygen tube!"


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

Canadian police chase!


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## cobalt (Nov 14, 2013)

Thats different. very funny straight out of the keystone cops


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## CV3 (Jan 30, 2014)

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your left there is a sharp drop off, and on your right is an elephant traveling at the same speed you are Directly in front of you is another galloping horse but your horse is unable to over take it. Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as your horse. What most you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? Get your drunk self of the merry-go-round!!


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## cobalt (Nov 14, 2013)

one i pinched from another site

The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. Saint Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you, however, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance exam for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It shore is good to be here, Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest. But the test I have has only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God's first name?"

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. Forrest returns the next day and goes up to Saint Peter to try to answer the exam questions.

Saint Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow."

The saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer. How about the next one? How many seconds in a year?"

"Now that one's harder," says Forrest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, Saint Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second......."

"Hold it," interrupts Saint Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind. I'll give you credit for that one too. Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?"

Forrest says, "Well, shore, I know God's first name. Everybody knows it. It's Howard." "Howard?!" asks Saint Peter. "What makes you think it's Howard?!"

Forrest answers, "It's in the prayer."

"The prayer?" asks Saint Peter, "Which prayer?"

"You know, The Lord's Prayer," responds Forrest: "Our Father, which art in Heaven, Howard be thy name......"


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)




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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise.
I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade..

Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It's a deal Thank you, sir!

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies are after you?

Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!


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## CV3 (Jan 30, 2014)

SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN!!!

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.

Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away'.

This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.


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## cobalt (Nov 14, 2013)

If only one would dare do that , its funny


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

Funny CV3!


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character
consecutively.

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedInYour EarIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER:
ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedInYourEarIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.


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## cobalt (Nov 14, 2013)

Thinki have been on that site lol


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## CV3 (Jan 30, 2014)

LOL Rad! TOO TRUE!!


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## gdenby (Apr 27, 2013)

For those of you who may listen to "A Prairie Home Companion," you've heard this one in the last few days. Its from the annual joke show.

Four ministers go on a hunting trip. As they sit in the lodge late at night, preparing for the hunt the next day, they decide to confess their worst flaws with each other.

The Catholic says, "I must confess to the sin of lust. Back at the rectory, at the bottom of a drawer, I have a collection of risque magazines. Sometimes I look at them."

The Episcopalian says "I must confess to greed. I never leave more than 25 cents in the collection plate."

The Lutheran says "I confess to gluttony. Sometimes, late at night, I drive to the next town and order 4 quarter pounders at a drive thru, and eat them all myself."

The Baptists says "Well, I'm a terrible gossip..."


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## gdenby (Apr 27, 2013)

And one more.

The worst time to get a heart attack is during a game of charades.


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## rdemler (Jun 11, 2014)

Why didn't the skeleton go to the Halloween dance??...Because he had no body to go with.........


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

Good one Gdenby!


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

MURPHY'S OTHER LAWS...

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. The shinbone is a device for finding Furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

The old man approached a young stranger in the post office and asked, "Sir, would you address this postcard for me?"

The man gladly did so, and then offered to write a short note for the old fellow. Finally the stranger asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"

The old man thought a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you add, Please excuse the sloppy handwriting."


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## CV3 (Jan 30, 2014)

Why is Christmas day like a day at the office?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.


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## CV3 (Jan 30, 2014)

Alcohol does not make you FAT!
It makes you LEAN&#8230;
against tables, chairs, walls, floors and ugly people.


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

CV3 said:


> Why is Christmas day like a day at the office?
> 
> You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.


LOL -- and soooo true!


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

CV3 said:


> Alcohol does not make you FAT!
> It makes you LEAN&#8230;
> against tables, chairs, walls, floors and ugly people.


LOL --- Great Shorty!


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## CV3 (Jan 30, 2014)

It was a day in court. A police officer is being questioned by the defense attorney.
Q.
Did you see my client take that box?
A.
No sir. A fellow officer who did see the act put out a description on the radio.
Q.
And do you trust this officer?
A
Yes sir, with my life.
Q
You say you trust your fellow officers but isn't true you have locks on your locker in the squad room?
A
Yes sir.
Q
If you trust each other why do you have to put locks on you lockers? Can you explain that to the court?
A
Yes sir. You see the police locker room is part of the Court House and Attorneys often pass though there going to court!


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## Rad (Feb 19, 2013)

LOL --- very funny, and O so true!


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## gdenby (Apr 27, 2013)

Did you know there is a species of antelope that can jump higher than an average house? That's because the antelope has powerful hind muscles and the average house can't jump very high.


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## gdenby (Apr 27, 2013)

How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them!


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